Over Hill And Underhill

Short Peoples Anonymous

2006-04-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

I get my Short Peoples' Anonymous ID card today. It should be arriving in my mail any minute now. I can't wait.

Anyways, if you didn't know already, the SPA is for all sorts of short peoples - mostly hobbits and dwarves. It's where people make it easier for those of us lacking in height, especially from those tasteless midget and rabbit jokes. Anyways, I gave my best smile for my ID picture.

(later)

Let's just say it could've been worse.

Still no letter from Uncle Bilbo.

Rabbits?

2006-02-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

Sam was really excited today when we noticed something growing in his front yard.

"Look Mr. Frodo! Me daffodils are sproutin!'" He pointed to a few little stubs of green poking out of the grass.

"Oh, that's nice."

"And pretty soon me tulips are comin up too! I planted one here, here, here, here, and here." He pointed to various spots on the ground. "I know exactly where they are, because I've made me a plantin' chart."

"Oh, really?"

"I'll be able to cut them an' sell em' off at the market!"

"How wonderful." Sam's the only person I know who can make such a big deal out of flowers.

"An' I can use the money to get me a rabbit!"

"A what?"

"Yeh heard me. I'm gettin a pet rabbit." Funny, I thought Sam hated rabbits. He always made such a big deal out of little teeth marks on his lettuce. And the fact that he was too slow to catch them always put him in a bad mood.

"Sam, it'll chew up your garden. Have you gone stark mad?"

"I'll keep it under control, I'll get 'im a nice cozy cage."

"All right then, I guess." I went back in. Better not let Merry and Pip know about this. I know they'll find a way to turn this whole thing into some sort of sad joke.

Nosebleeds

2005-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

Sam, Merry, Pip and I had a snowball fight yesterday. Or, more likely, started one. Sam and I were on one team, and Merry and Pippin were on the other. Pippin somehow ended up with a nosebleed. And we were just finishing up our snow forts, too.

"I have to go home."

"Oh come on, what's a nosebleed when we're about to start throwing snowballs at each other?" Merry asked.

"I seriously think I should go home. It may be serious." He said in a muffled voice. I could tell he was going to dye his mittens red. He left the snow fort and started home. "My cousin had a friend who had a nosebleed that nearly killed him."

"Is this the same cousin with a friend who met an oliphaunt?" I asked.

"And found a cockroach the size of a crow?" Sam added.

"Shut up." he said back.

"Bye Pip!" Merry yelled to him, "And ask that friend of your cousin's how he's doing for me!" He didn't answer.

Well Merry didn't want to play two on one, and neither Sam and I did, either, so it ended up being a big waste of time. We all ended up going home in a foul mood.

Nosebleeds are no fun for anyone.

Elves are stupid.

2005-12-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last posted. Yeah, Sam got out of the woods. He was pretty angry, and is now afraid whenever we go near the woods. Whenever Merry, Pip and I decide to go play in the Old Forest, he'd quickly pretend like he needs to tend his garden. How do I know he's pretending? It's winter for crying out loud! But we never say anything about that.

What's new? Nothing. Bilbo's been gone for three months now. I was sure he'd come back, but I suppose he's with the elves now. He hasn't even written back. Pip says he once had a cousin who was enchanted by the elves and no one's heard from him since. It's probably made-up, like his little imaginary friend "Scorpius," but it's possible, just the same.

The Sackvilles want to establish some kind of contract, to see if they can get their grubby hands on some of Bilbo's old stuff. They want to meet with me this afternoon about it.

I'll be in the garden, helping Sam.

It's just a game...

2005-11-24T20:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, Merry and I would dare each other to go into the Old Forest. We'd always find our way out sooner or later, but that's only because neither of us would go in very deep. Today, Sam joined us for the first time.

"I dunno, I've heard some pretty bad rumors bout this place."

"Sam, that's silly. We always find our way out."

"Well... alright. But just how deep am I 'sposed to go in?"

"You walk for five minutes." Merry grinned. I looked at him like he was crazy. Five minutes is probably enough to get one hopelessly lost. I should've said something right there, but something held me back.

"Alright then. Here goes." Sam took a deep breath. and marched in and we waited.

And waited.

We had waited for around four hours, and it was getting dark. We couldn't go in, in case both of us got lost too, so we just sat there hoping that nothing bad had happened to him - there rumors about how the trees can move about and squash one flat. I hope he finds his way out soon.

The Treasure

2005-10-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

It was dark when Merry, Pip and I burst into Sam's room with a pickaxe. We decided to bring Pip along because he let us borrow his pickaxe. Otherwise, we'd have no pickaxe, and then it'd be a disaster.

"Oh me gosh! A pickaxe! What ever for?"

"The treasure's in your room, Sam. It's under one of the floorboasrds."

"Mister Frodo, you've got to be mistaken, there's no treasure in me room." I showed him the note.

"I'm going to get me a share!" Pip exclaimed wildly.

Merry raised the pickaxe.

"Wait!" We all looked at Sam. "I know it's Mister Bilbo's treasure an' everything, but this is me room. There's gotta ba another way, hasn't there?" We all thought for a minute.

"Nope." Merry threw the axe into his floor, which cracked right open. We all gasped at what we found.

"Me floor! What'd you do to me floor?"

"Shut up, Sam." I told him and pointed. "Look." He saw it.

"Aye, there's got to be ovre twenty in here."

"Not ten, Pip, there's at least hundreds." Merry and Pip dug in.

"Wait!" They stopped.

"It's my uncle, he left his stuff to me, so it's only right that I get to keep it, right?"

"Don't be greedy, if it weren't for us, you wouldn't've found his treasure."

"Don't aye get any?" Pippin chimed in.

We argued for the rest of the night. None of us could come to a descision, even though it's my treasure. So... what do do with the coins?

I Know Where It Is!

2005-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

I went to Sam's for some brandy and left Merry in charge. That probrably wasn't the best idea. When I got back, there was a big gaping hole in the kitchen wall, probrably one of those tweens looking for Bilbo's treasure. How the hell could Merry let them get away with this? I went in the study room and found Merry with a hammer. With him were four younger hobbits, all watching with anticipation. Merry raised his hammer and faced the wall.

"Merry! What're you doing?"

"Oh. Uh, I was just - I thought you were at Sam's." he lowered the weapon that would've torn my beloved study wall in pieces.

"Are you mad?!"

"Well, we thought now that Bilbo's gone-"

"Let us see the treasure, Mister Frodo, please?" one of the younger hobbits asked.

"Please?" they all begged in unison.

"Go home!" I said. They lowered their heads and silently walked out. A short, pudgy hobbit wiped tears from his eyes.

"So, now that they're gone, you want to see what's behind this wall?" Merry asked.

"I'm ready when you are."

The hammer smashed into the wall. It crumbled and smoke poured out, filling the room. When it finally cleared, this was what we found.

^
Dear Frodo,
I knew you would try something lke this once I left. You couldn't wait, could you, you wank? Anyway, you'll be pleased to know I've hid my treasure in the one place you haven't looked; under a floorboard in that ninny, Sam's, room. Pry it open. I dare you. Moron.
Sincerely, Bilbo
P.S. Tell that Merry fellow to give me back my velvet pants.

I can count those gold coins already.

He's Really, Really Gone.

2005-09-25T20:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he's gone.

I keep expecting Bilbo to hobble back, complaining of back pain, but he hasn't. I keep telling myself he'll be back any second now, but he isn't. Gandalf, who's staying here for a short while, says he's probrably being eaten by a bear, or a group of trolls. Well, Gandalf, who's supposed to be really wise, drank all of Bilbo's brandy and caught his robe on fire.

I can't point my finger at him, though, people have been coming in all day claiming stuff. Lobelia won't leave until she makes sure she has all the silver spoons. Angelica has been staring at the mirror for an hour now. Some guy I don't know threw a chair across the dinner table. A bunch of kids came in a while ago, punching holes in the walls, looking for Bilbo's treasure. I think one of them was Folco Boffins. His mum'll be so angry.

I've left Merry in charge of all my stuff. I really need a mug of rum right now. Maybe I'll go over to Sam's. Or maybe I should wait for Bilbo to come back.

After rum.

The Party

2005-09-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today started with Gandalf arriving late. The first thing I noticed was his hat. It looked like a new one, not the old newspaper one he always wore before. There was something strange with the tone of his voice when I mentioned that Bilbo was leaving. Bilbo must've told him already.

At the party, Gandalf set off the awesommest fireworks. There was one that looked like spilled guts, a massacre of yellow ants, and also one that looked like a cartload of goats that fell over a cliff. Right after that, Bilbo said a long speech about going away, then vanished on the spot.

A lot of the guests were shocked. So was I. I didn't expect him to leave just like that. A few of them were staring in my direction, as if they expected me to vanish, too. I heard the Miller shouting "Mad Baggins has lost his mind! It's all that wizard's fault!" I immediately served him another brandy, hoping desperately he'd stop yelling before it reached all of their ears. Meanwhile, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Fatty were already drunk. I vaguely recall Sam singing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time.' I hope to never see that ever again.

Ever.

When I returned to Bag End, Gandalf was there, and Bilbo had already left for Rivendell. He also left me his old ring, which Gandalf explained a lot to me about. A lot. He had to have been talking for at least two hours straight.

Anyway, this is pretty much Gandalf's speech, condensed into something wild, colorful, and exciting:

Isn't that nice? But what baffles me more, still, is this:

Is he complimenting them by saying they deserve more from him, or is he insulting them by saying he doesn't like them? I'll never be able to ask him now.

The Day Before The Party

2005-09-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

Bilbo's been extra busy with the invitations for tomorrow. My guess is that he doesn't even have half of them sent. It doesn't matter, since they'll all invite themselves anyway. He doesn't care, though, seeing as how he's locked himself up in his study. He won't come out, except for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, and bathroom. I've never seen anyone go so long without second breakfast.

In the Party Field, they've set up enormous tents, with the most magnificent dishes. I don't see how exactly Bilbo can afford all this, I haven't seen a single penny of his treasure, and I've been looking for it for years. I've smashed holes in his walls, pried the floorboard loose, turned his bedroom upside-down, and searched every nook and cranny, but to no avail. Although somehow, Bilbo's always managed to pay to fix them without going in debt. I'll find them someday, perhaps after he leaves, if he ever does.

Besides writing and sending invitations, Bilbo's also packed his bags. He's bringing everything he needs to travel to Rivendell. He hasn't told me when he'll leave yet. My guess is sometime next week. I'll really miss him, but it'll be awesome having Bag End to myself. Maybe if I ask him, he'll let me go with me.

Busy, busy, busy

2005-09-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

Bilbo's been extra busy lately, sending invitations and making arrangements for the party. I asked him if he needed help, but he insists on doing it alone.

"Go away, you'll probrably end up ruining my getaway."

"Sorry."

"You better be. Why don't you go off nitpicking with your friends somewhere?"

So I went to Sam's. He was in his garden, as usual, tending to his crops. He was staring at the soil as if it were a really puzzling math problem.

"Need help, Sam?" I asked, as politely as possible, I might add.

"Shhh... " he whispered, "I have to make sure the HP in the soil is perfect 'n ever'thing... not too acidic... juuuust perfect."

"Goodness, Sam. They're just carrots."

He stared at me like I was crazy. "Just carrots? Just carrots?! Do you know how hard I have to work every day to grow 'im to be like this?" he was yelling. "You really don't have no idea, don't you? "

"So you don't need any help?"

Sam went back to his carrots. "Naw. C'nyou make sure Merry and Pippin ain't nowhere near my CDs?"

"Will do." I said, and went inside his house. It was a complete mess. Clothes, crumbs, and other junk were tossed all over the floor and furniture. Merry and Pippin were jumping on his couch, listening to one of Sam's CDs.

"Merry! Lookit me, Merry! I'm Britney Spears!"

"No, Pip, I'm Britney Spears!"

"I said it first, aye?"

"No, you - hello Frodo!" Merry and Pippin stopped abruptly.

"Would you like to join us?"

"Umm..." I thought of how angry Sam would be when he saw this mess. "Sorry, but I was just leaving. You two have fun, though." I slipped out the door, leaving them doing whatever they were doing. I really don't want to know what that was about. Sam's going to throw a fit when he sees this.

Darnit, still haven't found anything to do.

Harvesting Time For Sam

2005-09-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

It's nearly harvest time for Sam. He has to make sure everything is absolutely perfect, which can be a huge pain in the butt.

"It's not a pain, it's most rewardin' when yeh get a few nice taters, and carrots. My tomatoes aren't doin' so well, so figured I should git back to work."

That's exactly what I mean by 'pain in the butt.'

He's been so busy with his plants that he's hardly noticed all the things Merry and Pippin have pickpocketed from his house. And it's no fun watching people stealing when there's no one to go nuts over it. They've taken his spare key, a few of his books, a countless number of buttons, stamps, and quill pens, even his Britney Spears CD, but he's hardly noticed.

I'd join too, but I'd rather not lose my tomato priveledges.

I hope he snaps out of it soon.

The Monster

2005-09-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I heard a loud noise from under my bed. It sounded like something was being masticated. Kinda like Pippin, after he's had a few pints and randomly decided to gobble up vegetables loudly... don't ask. I think the monster's been feeding again, which explains a lot of what I'm about to tell you.

This morning I found Sam's bear gone. That's right. Black nose. Furry paws. "Pooh" shirt. All gone. The last time I remember seeing it was right on my desk. When I woke up, all that was left were two shiny black marbles. What would a monster do with marbles, anyway?

I've searched everywhere around my room, My drawers, my closet, I even made a few more messes, but it was nowhere to be found. The only place I haven't checked was under the bed.

Well, I'm not going to.

No way. There's not a hobbit's chance in Mordor I'm going in there. It's probrably just waiting for me to check so it can spring out and eat me. And once it's got a taste for hobbit-meat, it'll probrably go around the Shire and eat Merry, Sam and Pippin too. That'd be downright unpleasant.

Gandalf is coming!

2005-09-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

Bilbo told me this morning that Gandalf's coming for our birthday party. I can't wait, seeing as how he has the coolest hat. Maybe he'll let me try it on this time.

It looks like a plain old newspaper, but Gandalf says it's really expensive. He bought it from Goldie's. They sell the fanciest clothes; hats, scarves, man-bags, tight velvet pants, etc. I should go shopping there sometime. It'd be nice to own clothes other than the same crap I wear every day (hint hint: my birthday's coming up) Pippin says they have sales every Saturday. I'm taking Merry with me, since he knows the whole store like the back of his feet.

Come on, admit it, Merry. That's where you bought that yellow vest of yours isn't it?

We steals it

2005-09-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

Now that I look at it, Sam's teddy is really nice, I don't think I want to part with it. It's got those little furry paws, puffy belly stuffed with cotton, button nose... no wonder he still keeps with it. In fact, I'm keeping it. I think he's had it for long enough. It's mine, anyway. That's right. It's mine: I found it, it came to me.

Sam won't miss it anyway, he hasn't even noticed yet. If he ever asks, I'll just tell him that he wasn't watching it close enough and I saw Ted kicking it around the other day. Am I a genius or what? That'll make him feel absolutely rotten!

Come and get your bear now, Sam! Come and get it, stoopid!

What to do, what to do...

2005-09-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sam was rambing on about oliphaunts again while I was over at his house for afternoon tea.

"So maybe, if I somehow get the money... if you follow me, I can finally buy enough paper mache to build one. Ted'll never know what hit 'im!"

"Good luck with that, Sam."

"Well, thank you, I'll need just about all the luck I can get... Oh yes, tea. How many shots would you like in yours, Mister Frodo?"

"I'll have eight." I answered. Sam left the room to get the tea. And that's when I saw it.

What was his super-secret wuvvable huggable bear doing out here under the table? I picked it up. At that instant, he came back, carrying the tray.

"I'm back. I added an extra five-- What're you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Come on." He set the tea on the table. "What're you hiding behind?"

"Nothing. I carry nothing."

"Alright, then, if you say so. Anyway, when my killer robot army pulls apart Ted and the millers' house, I'll bring the oliphaunt right out to stomp on all their--"

"I should be going now."

"Already? But Mister Frodo, the tea-"

"Bilbo's expecting me to... walk... the... dog."

"You got a dog?"

"What? What are you talking about, Sam? You must've had too much pipe-weed this morning. I'll leave you until get your head cleared up." I walked out his door with the bear, still hiding it from his view.

Now comes the question. What's the best way I can torture him with this?

Sam's Vacation

2005-08-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Sam returned from vacation today. Which I thought was strange since I thought he was here all the time. Oh well.

He brought back a whole bunch of crap. Gardening supplies, mostly. Who needs gardening supplies when you can ask elves for food, or weed, or candy? I tell you, Sam's insane.

Anyway, I went back to Pippin's house when he wasn't there, and left his "missing" scarf. I was getting pretty tired of it, and it was beginning to stink up the place. It smells like rotten apples. I wonder what Pip does with apples. Ha ha... That little queer.

Anyway, my clothes now smell like apples. Not the fresh kind, but the Pippin/scarf/rotten kind. He owes me 8 candy bars.

I wonder where that bloke, the Scarf-Baron, went.

Olly Phonts?

2005-08-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

Sam's been talking about his little imaginary friends again. Apparently, there's some kind of creature called the "Olly Phont." It doesn't sound so nice. In fact...

It's got a trunk,

Two long teeth called "tusks,"

Big ears,

And wrinkles everywhere.

From the way it sounds, it probrably looks like one of the uglier Big Folk. I'm thinking it looks something like this:

How can anyone imagine something so horrible as that? Looks like someone's been smoking too much pipe-weed again.

Sam's Speech

2005-08-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Pippin still hasn't given the Scarf-Baron my candy bars and I've been waiting all day. He must be crazy! The Scarf-Baron told him to! Does he not want to see his scarf again or what?

Frodo even left a new note, saying "I want it now." Scarf Baron is very hopeful he won't get chocolate. Frodo is very allergic and might even blow up (hopefully he will not, or we will miss him dearly).

If Frodo does not get the candy by today, Frodo has no choice but steal his other scarf. That's right: Scarf Baron is a stone cold robber who don't answer to nobody.

In other news, I let Sam off the hook. He couldn't've taken the scarf now that we know that this "Scarf-Baron" is abroad. Something funny's been happening at his house too. His little posies aren't doing very well and clippings of hair are everywhere. Looks like ol' Gaffer Gamgee's feet are shedding again. You know what that does to living things. It also looks a lot like Merry's hair. In fact, I want to think it's Merry. He's been a jerk lately, and it'd be funny to see Sam giving him the Speech. I've heard it so many times, I've memorized it:

"Uuuurgh! Confound you, {insert name here}! Do you know how long it takes a hobbit to grow one {insert name of dead plant here}? I've been waterin' it, sunnin' it, and feedin' it, protectin' it from coneys, and all'f a sudden you come in here an' crush it?

"It’s all wrong. By rights you shouldn’t even have been there. But you were. Now how could my posies go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

"Even if you're too small to understand why, you should always ask. I know now, though, that folk here, unlike the ones in most stories, are stupid. They keep going. Because they're too dumb to remember what I say. Now, {insert name here}, just remember that there's some good here in the world, and if you don't get the hell out of my sight, I will call them!"

I can't wait to see his face go red. Perhaps I should go plant some evidence.

The Plot Thickens...

2005-08-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

"Samwise Gamgee, where were you yesterday at 6 a.m?" I pounded my fists on his coffee table.

"I was only cutting the grass in my yard! I swear, I had nothin' to do with Pip's scarf!"

"And why would you steal Master Peregrin's scarf?"

"What? I said I didn't take it, Mister Frodo! Why don't you believe me?"

"I do, but why would you take it?"

Sam looked at me like I was crazy. "Because my master's a jerk."

"Very well then. Peregrin could use this kind of information. Stay here and don't go anywhere. If we should find you missing while I'm gone, you will be called upon for more questioning." I left for Pip's house.

Merry was there. If it weren't for Merry, I probrably never would've believed Pip's stories about this "Scarf Baron" who steals scarves at night. While I was gone, Pip found a note in his closet:

Very suspicious. This Scarf Baron must be clever indeed.

The Case Of The Missing Scarf

2005-08-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

It was a dandy morning; I was smoking my pipe, seeing the colors, everything was just dandy. It was, until Pip ran up to the Hill claiming someone stole his scarf. You know, the grey one from that gay place.

"You're wearing it right now!" I said.

"Me other one got stolen. I bought two, don't yeh remember?"

"Why on earth would you need two?"

"So I have one for backup in case stuff like this happens, aye. You gonna help me or not?"

So we spent the whole afternoon questioning just about everyone who could be a suspect. We finally narrowed it down to four suspects:

Meriadoc Brandybuck

Samwise Gamgee

Diamond of Long Cleeve

The Scarf-Baron

Pip keeps insisting there's some kind of "Scarf Baron" who "creeps around in the wee hours of the night." Ha! There's no such thing as a Scarf Baron, right? Come on, who did it? Fess up!

What's his problem?

2005-08-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

There's something horribly wrong here in Bag End. At lunch, Bilbo and I were having mushroom and carrot stew when he said "I hate this stupid mushroom and carrot stew."

"No, you love carrot and mushroom stew. Now finish it up."

"Well, I hate your mushroom and carrot stew. It sucks, and I can't wait to leave this stinking dump."

"What ever you say." I finished mine and got up to clean the pile of dirty dishes. I don't think he'll actually go, of course. He's way too old and senile to move to that "special place with the elves." Even if he goes through with it, I bet he'll come back an hour complaining about his back.

"And I hope I never see you again."

"That's nice."

"You're just waiting for me to leave."

"You don't mean that."

"My dwarf friends are way more sophisticated than you and your pot-smoking friends, always up all night drinking ale."

"We will."

"You won't even miss me."

"All right."

"You're not even listening to me! You're just saying stuff to shut me up!"

"I'll remember."

"Arrrgh! I should've left you back in Brandy Hall, with all your little Brandybuck relatives!" he shouted, getting up.

"I love you too, uncle Bilbo." I said after him as he left the room. Now that I think about it, it sounds like he really meant it. What could possibly be wrong with my soup?

The Grenade

2005-08-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

Pippin came over for tea yesterday. He said he wanted to share a secret.

"It's mine, and if mum 'n dad find out, they'll make me lose it."

"What is it, exactly?"

He held it up.

"I found it in-"

"A grenade?! Are you mad? Throw it away!"

"It's my rock, I found it, it came to me!" At that moment I realized he didn't know what a grenade even was. What's the harm in letting him keep it? I thought, just as long as he doesn't find out how to use it.

...

That night I woke to the sound of a loud boom coming from Tookland.

I think he found out.

Revenge

2005-08-12T02:18:00.000-07:00

Merry chased me all around Hobbiton, screaming "I'm gonna strangle you, Frodo Baggins!" I think he was serious. He must be still mad about the pony. Luckily, I lost him in the woods somewhere. I reckon it'll take a few days before he finds his way out. God help him, he's just not that sharp.

Now to get back at Sam...

Say goodbye to your hollyhocks, Sam.

My Deepest Darkest Secret

2005-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Clothes and papers everywhere. I don't remember where they all go. If they ever had a place to go, that is. This is why I never let visitors in here. The last time Sam came in here, he was all "Mister Frodo! What a mess! You really should get it cleaned up!"

The thing is, I can't.

There's not enough closets and shelves. There are plenty here in Bag End, but Bilbo's filled them all up with who-knows-what. He won't let me in them at all.

Lately, I've noticed something strange under my bed. It moves around at night; it must be a dragon, or a cave troll. Sam says it's probrably a mouse. Bet he would'nt say the same if he had a dragon shoved under his bed.

RIP Caramel

2005-08-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Who would've guessed that Sam is a murderer? He drove his new pony Caramel straight into a river. Of course, he didn't do it on purpose and came back crying about it. It is pretty sad, but I still think Sam is a puss. I told him it's okay, that he can always get a new one, but he just wants Caramel. Can you believe that? Caramel's dead. He can always get that brown one the Burrowses are selling down the road.

On the bright side, we don't have to worry about Merry anymore. He'll never find that pony at the bottom of a river.

Sam found out

2005-08-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

Samwise Gamgee, the same Sam who sleeps with his teddy bear and frequently wets his trousers, has figured something out for once. He found out that the same jerk who bought Merry's pony was, well, me, and the same jerk who owns his pony is Sam.

We both agreed to keep it secret. If Merry ever finds this out, he'll kill us. More likely, he'll kill Sam, but I better not take the chance. If anyone asks us, we'll both say it came from Freddy. On the other hand, it might be more fun to blame it all on Sam...

The Pony

2005-08-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sam thinks there's something wrong with the pony I bought him. I don't believe it. It's just a pony. It's just a brown and white pony. It's alive and moves and eats and everything, so I don't see what's wrong. It was fine when I bought it. Maybe he broke it. Or maybe he fed it too much and it became constipated. Whatever it is, it's probrably not my fault.

Now that you mention it, it does look a bit strange.

Sam's new pony

2005-08-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Merry was fired from work yesterday. He's pretty upset. Which makes me wonder why he got the job in the first place. Really. What does he need the money for again?

Which reminds me. I bought Sam a beautiful new pony as a late birthday present. She cost me like 60 silver pennies, but she was well worth it. Sam loves her. He even named it Caramel. Merry will be so jealous.

Merry's New Job

2005-08-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

Merry just got a new job at the fish restaurant that opened just two weeks ago. It's all part of his plan to earn enough money to buy a pony. He has to get up early every single day just to swirl his hands in fish guts for five hours straight. I expected to hear him complaining but he actually likes it. He says it's "very educational." I don't see how he does it.

He seems to be the only one happy about this. I went down this morning to pay him a visit. I first met his boss, Mr. Butterknuckle.

"I'm here to see Merry, is he here?" I asked him. His brows furrowed.

"You mean that troublemaker who does nothing all day? Who eats all our supplies? The ass who took the sushi knives and had a mini swordfight lesson? Who cost our shop fifty-eight silver pennies?" That sounded like Merry, but I had to make sure.

"Merry Brandybuck?"

"That's right. Your friend's been nothing but trouble since we hired him. I suggest you talk him into leavin before he causes us any more trouble." He pointed to a door down the hall.

I went in.

"Hey Frodo, check it out. You can mix just about anything here. I call this "sushi." Wanna try some?"
I looked at the mess of fish and vegetables he made. Ugh, I hate fish. "Um... no thanks, Merry. Are you sure the boss is okay with this?"

"Of course he is, why wouldn't he?" he asked me. I shrugged. "So did you want to say something?"

I coudn't possibly break it to him, the fact that his boss wanted him to quit. "No." I said. "Just paying you a visit." I'd like to see how this plays out.

Pony Obsession

2005-08-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

Every day we - Pippin, Sam, Fatty, Merry and I - go past the market, Merry stares at this one little pony. I've seen him -- he can't take his eyes off it. It really is a nice little pony, though. It looks real sturdy, and pink. It costs thirty silver pennies so he'll never get his hands on it. Hopefully.

The thing about Merry's ponies is that they never last long. His first one, Bob, was driven into a wooden post. His next one, I think it was Tibbles, was driven into a pond and drownded. Every pony he's ever kept died shortly, and he gets heartbroken over every one. He knows we don't like when he buys a new pony, but somehow, he always ends up with one the next morning. Fatty says he's a lunatic. Sam says he's just obessed.

Lately, he's been selling his own stuff (not to mention some of Pippin's) like mad. Whenever we ask why, he answers with a "hmmm" or an "uhhhrr." But we all know the real reason. Just yesterday, he earned six silver pennies total! By this rate, we'll be attending another pony funeral by Monday.

Surprise

2005-08-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

There is absolutely nothing to do here. So I decided to play a trick on Sam. I saw him walking down the road, and hid in one of the bushes.

He walked slowly, singing a song he'd learned about oliphaunts. Just as he came to where I had been, I jumped out and yelled "BOO!"

He screamed a sissy scream. His eyes were wide as they could go. Suddenly he was angry and his cheeks turned red.

"Very funny, Mister Frodo."

"What's wrong, Sam?"

I suddenly realized he'd wet his pants!

"Nice thing to do, scarin' people like that."

Still grinning, I watched him walk away.

Pippin's New Scarf

2005-07-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

All our work's gone to waste. Turns out, Pip doesn't need his old scarf anymore. He got a new one. It's gray and ragged and ugly, but he likes it more than his old pink scarf. I don't know if it's a step up or not. Merry says it looks like a raccoon tail. But I guess it's better than a fuzzy pink play boa.

When Sam first saw it, he started laughing. "You're not seriously gonna wear that 'round here, are you?"

"Of course I am, it's my new scarf," Pippin said back.

"You didn't catch a raccoon an' skin its tail off or anything, did you?"

"Of couse not. I bought it at Goldie's."

We laughed. Goldie's sold the gayest clothes anywhere. Pippin probrably didn't know this, but he could've figured it out himself. Tisk tisk tisk. What're we ever going to do with him?

Missing

2005-07-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

Pippin got up extra early today, which is very unlike him. The first thing he did was go into the woods to look for his scarf. It might just be me, but it looks like he'd been spending last night crying about it.

Merry and I can't get his face out of those woods. He even skipped second-breakfast, which is also very unlike him. We finally convinced him to go back home at lunch.

"Who will look for my scarf?" he asked.

"We'll put up "missing" signs for it," I told him.

He went home.

Later, Merry, Sam and I made a poster just for him. We showed it to him and he liked it. Still, there's something I can't quite put my finger on...

Pip's Scarf

2005-07-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

Merry and I almost made Pippin cry the other day when we stole his fluffy pink scarf. He loves that scarf and wears it everywhere. Personally, I think he looks like a floozy, prancing around with that thing on.

We ran around the whole Shire with it, with Pippin chasing us until he got tired. He'd yell "Give it back Merry! You promised you wouldn't steal it!" Finally, we got tired and tossed it on the ground in the forest somewhere.
When Pip finally caught up with us, he was breathless.

"I can't go home without it," he insisted, "Give it to me. Mum'll get mad at me again."

"We don't have it." Merry grinned. We held up our hands. "It must be in the forest somewhere."

Pippin glared at us and turned back. "We should probrably help him," I said.

We searched for about two hours but it was nowhere to be found. Pippin finally gave up and went home. As far as I know, his scarf is still there.

Hal's Problem

2005-07-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

I was coming back from my reading place when I saw Sam's brother Halfred taking his wheelbarrow down the Road. He had stopped in front of Bag End to say hello to Bilbo. Apparently, he didn't notice that he drove his wheelbarrow straight over a frog. It started croaking wildly.

"Excuse me, can you move your wheelbarrow?" I asked.

"Croak!"

He picked his ear.

"What did you say?"

"Can you move your wheelbarrow?" I said louder.

"Croak!"

"What?" he asked dumbly.

I walked up to him. "You're killing the frog."

"Come again?"

"Move your wheelbarrow, you're crushing the frog!" I yelled.

He looked down at the pile of what used to be a frog. "Oh whoops." He moved his cart off our lawn and walked away. All that was left of the frog was a big pile of red puss. The guy must be going deaf.

I am not a chicken

2005-07-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sam's having a hangover, so I thought I'd leave him alone for a while. I found Merry and Pippin at Bywater Pool tossing rocks in the water.

They stared dumbfoundedly at my haircut. "You look like a big chicken" was the first thing Merry told me.

Pippin agreed. Can you believe that? I do not look like a chicken! A chicken has feathers and a beak and wings and that funny tail. There is no way I could look like a chicken.

I certainly don't see a resemblance. If anything, Merry looks like something... dumb. *sigh* Back to the hood.

My haircut

2005-07-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

Sam's still pretty upset about his plants. So I decided to get a drink with him. We went to the Green Dragon and had a couple of pints. You wouldn't believe how many Sam drank. He was chugging them nonstop like a dog. I hope it's not because of me. Anyway, when it was time to go home, we were both pretty drunk. That's when I asked him for a much-needed haircut. He reluctantly got his scissors.

"Hold still, stupid."

"I am - Ow! That's my ear, you twit!"

"I said hold still... whoops."

"What do you mean 'whoops?!'"

"Erm... I didn't say nothing."

"All right."

Well, thanks, Sam. Great job. I love it. I'll be wearing it everywhere. Thanks, man.

Bangs!

2005-07-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I go, it follows me. Like a shadow, I can't get rid of it. It's annoying and I just can't get used to it. Also very distracting when I'm trying to listen to people. I think I missed a whole lecture from Sam about salting gardens. I really should've paid attention. I don't remember what he said anymore.

I think I may need a haircut.

Don't know where I'll get one, but I really should to get it cut. And I want it done right this time. I just don't want to end up getting a cut like this again.

My old school pic

I guess I'll just have to do it myself. I just hope Sam doesn't mind if I use his shears.

Naw, he'll never notice.

Sam's Lawn

2005-07-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Sam's still pretty mad about the garden incident. So I decided to make it up to him. I got a whole bunch of salt and spilled it all over his lawn. I don't know what good that'll do, but it should help, right?

Ted Sandyman the big jerk came down the road and saw me. He wanted to help. I guess the oaf had a change of heart. Toghether we covered the grass all around his house, including the tomatoes he were going to enter for the Hobbiton Annual Tomato Fest. I can't wait to see his face when they grow enormous or something. I told Ted. He sniggered.

"Yeah, me neither." He said.

You know what? Ted's actually a pretty nice person.

Of all the gardens

2005-07-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sam saw all the trampled plants in the garden... that I trampled. And the mooshed vegetables... that I smooshed. Needless to say, he was not happy. In fact, he was so upset, he was bent on counting every single plant ruined four times. Trust me. Every. Single. Plant. Let's see...

There were:

3 trampled tomato plants, 2 beyond hope, one having a broken branch,
5 tomatoes, 2 completely smooshed, 2 half ruined, one still can be used,
4 carrot plants stepped on,
3 bean plants trampled,
1 potato plant with a broken branch,
1 cucumber half-eaten,
6 weeds stepped on.

On a brighter note, Lobelia, Otho and Lotho left. One day, they'll realize we hide whenever they come and they'll stay. I do hope Bilbo stops inviting them.

They're Coming

2005-07-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

The Sackville-Bagginses are coming.

That's the first thing I heard when I got up this morning. Great way to start the day, huh?

Bilbo woke me extra early today just so we could hide from them.

"Why'd you invite them over, anyway?" I asked grumpily. "They never invite us over."

"Because. They're always telling everyone that we don't like them. We have to do something once in a while."

"But we don't like them."

He gave me a hard look that told me I was annoying him. "Well they're coming anyway."

I scrambled to find a good place to hide. The closet wouldn't do. It's way too stuffy. I realized that unfortunately, it was the only place in the house that made a decent hiding place. Bilbo, on the other hand, hid underneath his bed. I dunno why he cares to go through with this, but every time he invites Lobelia, Otho and Lotho over, we hide. They'd come in, find that no one's here, and contentedly leave. Sometimes I have a feeling that they take a few pieces of silverware with them as well.

Anyway, I thought of a wicked place. They'd never think to look for me here.

I hope Sam won't mind if I stomp a few of his plants.

He's been talking to himself

2005-07-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

I've always thought Uncle Bilbo's wanted to leave. I can't explain it, but I think he's wanted to for a long time. Just last night I overheard him talking to himself.

"Those ssstupid hobbitses. Oh, we can't wait to get out of this ssstinking craphole.

"But we must be normal, must be nice to them before we leaves, don't we? Act normal, mussn't we?

"Yes, my love. Just till we leaves. Then we don'ts care what the Melkor happenss to them.

"And the Precious and I will be left alone FOREVER! No more prying eyesss, no whissspers, no more Lobelia Sackville, the old b****."

I can't believe him, I thought, the mad old rascal actually wants to leave the Shire. It must truly be an object of awesome power. I just hope he leaves the whiskey.

"And we're taking all our whiskey, aren't we precious? We can't trusts them with our whiskey, do we?

"No, my love."

D'oh, I thought, But at least he'll leave me his secret riches from his adventure.

"And we'll give all our sssecret richesss to the Michel Delving, won't we, preciousss?

"Of course we will, my love."

"D'oh!" I uttered out loud.

"What was that?" he asked out loud to himself. I ran away.

Well, at least I get Bag End. So I guess even after he leaves, I'm stuck in this stinking craphole for the rest of my life.

Fool of a Brandybuck

2005-07-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Merry and I weren't quite ready for Bilbo to see that his whiskey cabinet had been raided by two hobbits. At least I wasn't. Merry might've been too drunk to care - either that or he was too drunk to know what's going on.

So when I heard Bilbo's footsteps, I quickly walked away, leaving Merry with the mess of bottles and liquor everywhere. He was muttering something incomprehensible. I ran to my room and pretended I had been sleeping while the whole thing happened. Not a moment too soon, Bilbo came in. I could hear him from my room.

Busted...

"Meriadoc Brandybuck! I am not trying to give you a place to live, I'm just trying to help you. If you can't control yourelf, you had best be off! Go on now. Shoo! Shoo!"

I tried my best to keep from laughing out loud.

It's so much fun getting your friends into trouble.

End to a short-lived business

2005-07-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Mister Palladin's finally found out what Pip's been up to, and he is honking mad! I've been expecting this all along.

Turns out the mushrooms for their "business" aren't from his garden, but Pip won't say. He keeps insisting that he found them in the woods somewhere, but we all know where they really, come from. That explains why Farmer Maggot's been so upset lately, more cranky than his usual self.

Mister Saradoc wanted a word to Merry, but he's run away. Right here to Bag End. When he spilled what had happened to Bilbo, he just chuckled and said, "Stay as long as you like, just keep out of my medication - and now that you mention it, keep out of my whiskey cabinet as well." No one else's really worried about Merry or anything, this happens a lot. I expect he'll be going back home for supper. Hope so.

An hour ago, Bilbo's gone to have tea with the Gaffer, and Merry's sitting here with a cup of whiskey, getting wasted. This isn't fair, as Bilbo never lets me into his whiskey cabinet. Might as well join Merry and blame it all on him later. He'll be too drunk to protest, anyway.

Shortcut to fear

2005-07-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to Maggot's to (alright, I admit it) steal some mushrooms, when I saw Sam. He had been in the Farmer Maggot's crop!

"You've been in the Farmer's crop, haven't you?" I scolded him. "How can you steal from an honest person like him?" At that point, I was too ashamed that I was on my way to do some looting myself, so I went on. "Sam, You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I-I didn't mean to, Mister Frodo, that is... I just - I just wanted to... Oh, you won' tell him an' anything, will you?"

"No, of course I won't." I told him. Suddenly I was deeply ashamed of myself. To anyone, it would look a lot like I was taking advantage of him.

"Say, what were ye' doin' here anyway?" He asked me. Before I came up with an excuse, we heard barking.

Cute, isn't he? I'd say so too, if he weren't the ferocious, snarking beast who's rumoured to be able to tear a hobbit into bacon. At that second, Sam and I bolted all the way back to Bucklebury, not thinking of anything but Grip's ginormous teeth.

"I'm just glad he i'nt an oliphaunt, eh Mister Frodo?"

Ninnyhammer.

The problem with muddy mushrooms

2005-07-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

"Merry, I know a way to get people to buy our mud cakes."

How, Pip?"

"Mushrooms!"

I was skeptical when they first said that, but turns out, they're a big success. They're basically the same thing, actually, but with mushrooms. Yum. Since they're selling them for cheap, there's actually a line forming at their stand. A quarter of the Shire's here! Even Sam went this afternoon to buy a batch for his soup.

Normally, I'd be proud of them. But a platter of slightly dirty mushrooms... for one silver penny? I just hope they didn't plant them themselves. Mister Palladin will be so angry when he finds out Pippin's been foozling off their crops... again. I wonder, if Merry's just as dumb as he is, or if he's taking advantage of him. Naw, I don't think he's that mean.

I'm going to Farmer Maggots to pick up "dinner." Perhaps Merry and Pip would like to know a new shortcut to mushrooms.

Mud Cake

2005-07-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of this place. I mean, I love the Shire, but Merry and Pippin are annoying the heck out of me! Last week, they've started a mud cakes business - "We Bake 'Em, You Take 'Em!" Ugh.

Needless to say, it's not a success. No one ever buys any, so they go around pestering people with coupons! If I wanted a mud cake, I'd scoop up a bunch of goat poo and cram it down my throat - not that I would, but that seems to be what they're going for.

I told Pip exactly that, and him, being the ninnyhammer he is, said, "I don't see you working your arse off trying to convince people to buy a lump of mud." Secretly, I don't think Merry's any smarter.

Oh well, I'm going to Sam's for afternoon tea.